Nightmares and Daydream

I just woke up from a dream that made me realize an important aspect of myself.

I had a dream last night where I met my ex-girlfriend. I asked her how is she doing and told her that I truly do miss her and she replied rather harshly. She accused me of begging her to come back, that she's happy now and basically tried to make me look like the bad guy. What I do remember from that dream is that I replied; "Actually, I'm not doing this for your sake. I'm doing this for my own sake, because I do miss you and I'd just want you to tell you that."

She was a stupid girl who was self-destructive not only to herself but to others around her. Looking back, too often when we argued I let her win in our arguments because I thought hey, I loved her more than I love winning, so why not? Turns out in her short-sightedness she ends up derping so much that she doomed us both. Nowadays when I argue with my fiance I never let her win because I know that I know what's better for the both of us (most of the time) and it's logically better if I win.

I think this sort of mentality affects me more than I realized. I came to believe that might is right. He who holds power in his hand has the right to say what's right and what's not. In the context of this game, who's going to listen to a writer who has low ELO and has never won anything? I thought that rather than letting some random jerk occupy the top spot and sing praises for himself and insult others down below it was better if I was up there and protected the interest of not only myself but everyone altogether.

Back to my ex, one of the examples that I can say about her is our email exchange when we lost contact. Long after we broke up we still contacted each other. Mostly because I wanted her back and for some reason she was dangling me around. After we had an argument where she told me to disappear, I did just that. I stopped contacting her for like a month. For that few months, she kept sending me messages like "I'm sorry" "I miss you" "do you hate me?"

As much as I wanted to reply, I didn't take the bait. And then my mother saw those messages. She was like "Just put that girl out of her misery" and I was like "but mooooooooom" and she was like "no butts" so I replied her in an email detailing just what kind of a horrible person she was and why I decided to disappear. However, I think what my ex replied made me who I am today. Now remember that she was the one who send me those messages when I ignored her?

Now she's saying that she's happy with her new life, that she doesn't need me, that she's independent, that she's this and that. Basically when I told her off all the horrible things she did to me, it had put her in the position of the guilty party and she assumed the aggressive stance in self-defense. But that's just how she was as a person. She would rather win for the sake of her own ego rather than for the good of us all. In the end it's her ego that hurts the both of us.

I didn't realize it, but from my time with her it taught me that rather than letting short-sighted people win and destroy everything, I must be the one who wins to protect everyone. I never let my fiance win in our arguments because I know what's better for the both of us and letting her win would just doom us all. I see myself as a logical person and one who thinks of two-steps ahead; rather than going for the short-term victories for a single party I go for the long term solution for everyone.

I suppose this was the reason why I hated people who say they're "independent" or "strong" or "okay by themselves". In my eyes it's like they're putting up a show, acting tough in front of the crowd. Most of the time people would leave them alone, feeling unwanted. Yeah, they're independent, they don't need me while at the same time the independent person would feel what have I done, this isn't what I wanted! Nobody's happy in the end. This time around I became more assertive. If I see something wrong, I'd slap the shit out of that shit and tell it off.

My only concerns at the moment is to write this down while I still remember the dream and I end up asking myself, am I being too self-righteous?

I guess the answer to the question is never going to be crystal clear.

It is a matter of perspective.

SO i ask u now.. can u detach yourself from your point of view and take a neutral stance, so that you are able to see the situations u are in and if infact u are self righteous or not.

Please call me old for my slow approach and demand for things to be clear all around.

I see it as 'if you want to do something, do it right, and do it right the first time out'

I like this!

neszlo is awesome wrote:

I like this!

3 words is a post. I would consider this )